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Behind locked doors and closed windows: 1

I find myself in that dark abyss Cruel, malefic, and conscious I know not what I'm writing The purpose or the reason There's no escape route visible Clamouring for breath Screams muffled into whimpers My head hurts— A lot Oh it hurts, it hurts, it hurts I haven't seen love If it's meant to be seen I haven't felt love If it's meant to be felt I haven't tasted love If it's meant to be tasted What is love? I heard, the first glimpse into this rare jewel Is given by the primary caregivers I know not who they are Are they those two bodies— The ones screaming behind the screen The air heavy with a charge That doesn't feel positive Is this love? Then I have ample I see them while I play with Jojo and Mojo It's always those dramatic flailing of arms The crude expressions- theatrical They call me expressive Probably got it from my mother They call my articulation grave Probably got it from my father They see me debating on stage Say I have it in me- a gif...
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Behind locked doors and closed windows: 2

I may be cursed

I sure am cursed- why question it

I swallowed both the pills

The blue and the pink

I am cursed in twos

Ed and Ele cursed me both

For they thought the other forgot

And now they look at me

With confusion, pity, and pride

I am purple- I am a bruise

I broke her spine to make my way through

I am my daddy's lil princess

I fight his authorial voice, trespass when I cannot

I am my mummy's lil warrior

I bruise their body and mind

I bruise their bones and brains

I bruise and bruise and bruise and bruise and bruise and bruise and bruise and bruise and bruise and bruise and-

I didn't intend to though

I didn't choose to become a demon

The death I once evaded

The death I once touched and escaped

The death I once mocked and cheered victorious

Is the death I want- need

I wanted her to tell me she'd choose me over the spine

I wanted him to tell me he'd choose me over his pride

I wanted to be told that I would be chosen over all

They couldn't even build the home

I was supposed to be nurtured in

They couldn't even be the couple

I was supposed to call mama and dada

They couldn't even be married

Let alone be my...

Here is my identity ambiguous

I am androgynous

I was the son wanting to replace the father

I was the daughter wanting to kill the mother

Now I want to kill them both

For even they are ambiguous

I know not which one is who

They both morphed into each other

Seamlessly blending- that's marriage

The most marital thing I have witnessed in twenty years

They haven't become 'like' each other—

They have become purple together

A grotesque and putrid mixture of everything vile

But also everything beautiful- the whatifs

I don't know where to seek for love

Whom to eliminate whom to own

I know not if I'm Ed or Ele

They could be a field of lavender, lilies, or wildflower

Instead they chose to be a bruise on my head

They didn't birth a demon

They created one

Meticulously clad in their lab coat

I sought for love from the duo

But they exhausted it what little they individually had

Trying to squeeze out from the other or

It simply evaporated in their await for the other

I wasn't supposed to be a child

But a bridge they could walk on towards each other

I have been trampled on

I am suspended over the wide rift of gushing waters

And I feel myself creaking and eroding

And I know not how long I can hold

I have no support

I have NO support

The waters never dried up

The tectonic plates never moved

The river stayed and the bridge decayed

And I'll soon fall into the roaring hungry blues

I know it in my heart.


The write-up might entail many mistakes. I do not have the heart to edit. They are just there.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Woahhh!! Could feel a mixture Plath and Dickinson ❤️
19 May 2025 at 15:17
Anonymous said…
My heart!! It's aching reading this.
20 May 2025 at 02:50
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